Linda's toast about Charlotte's introductions on the Titanic

In yesterday's tribute to the late Linda Urbach, I referred to her deliciously crafted toasts.  The one below, delivered on my mother's 80th birthday, was one of her best.
    My brother-in-law Tom Lord read it recently and remarked that it was as funny now as in 1997; in fact, remarkably so.  Read it and see for yourself.  :-)
   

Getting to Know Charlotte Clark

Delivered by Linda Howard

Sept. 5, 1997, Harwich Port, Mass.

     I first met Charlotte Clark aboard the Titanic. I was

holding on the rail for dear life when Charlotte came up to

me, introduced herself and said, “I’d like you to meet

someone. Linda, this is Mrs. Astor. Mrs. Astor, this is Linda.”

Mrs. Astor was white as a sheet. “We’re sinking, we’re

sinking!” She shrieked.

    “Mrs. Astor lives in New York,” Charlotte explained to me.

    “Linda lives in New York, too,” she informed Mrs. Astor.

     “Oh, my God,” moaned Mrs. Astor, and she slipped away

into the sea.

     “Mrs. Clark,” I said. “Call me Charlotte,” she corrected.

     “Charlotte, I think we’re going down.”

    “Not before you meet the Captain,” she insisted. “Oh Captain, my Captain,” she

beckoned charmingly, “I want you to meet my new friend

Linda from New York. Linda, this is our Captain.”

   Well, it went on that way as people slipped past us into the ocean,

stopping only momentarily so that Charlotte could make her

introductions.

      We all have our little idiosyncrasies. Lady Macbeth had

her spots. Jack Kerouac had his road. Charlotte has her

introductions.

      To paraphrase Will Rogers, she never liked a

man she hasn’t met. She isn’t happy until everyone she

knows meets everyone else she knows. Not just meets, but

memorizes the exact moment of their meeting, the names

and ages of all their children and, most importantly, their

accumulated grade point averages.

     I talked to her son Stocky about this. He told me once he tried to limit her to five

introductions during one particular party. Well, you can just

imagine the results. She ended up by introducing him to over

250 people that night including the mayor of Boston, the

Secretary General of the U.N. and the novelist John Updike.

And they weren’t even at that party.

      In my family they were terrified of ever introducing me to

anyone. I was sullen, rude and prone to violent outbursts

when confronted with an unfamiliar face. But that didn’t stop

Charlotte. I was fresh meat to her – a veritable blank sheet,

an Unintroduced Person. Since first coming to the Cape with

her son Tucker on Memorial Day, 1975, I have met a total of

34,987 people. After introducing me to the entire town of

Harwich Port, she took me out by Exit 10 off Route 6 and

introduced me to 78 passing vehicles before the State

Troopers came. And then she introduced me to them as well.

“Officer Borden, Officer Mahoney, I’d like you to meet my

daughter-in-law Linda. There’s no doubt in my mind that

Charlotte Cushwa Clark will be around for many years to

come to introduce the few million people that still haven’t met

each other yet, “Uma…Oona…Oona…Oprah…Oprah….Uma…”